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Whenever we set a boundary, we are accomplishing two things.
- Declaring value
Function #1: Protecting
This is the well-known function. Boundaries help to defend against threats. Here are a few examples and some comments:
- Locking your door at night to defend against entry without consent
- This is a common boundary that is usually set due to the cost benefit of a small amount of effort (turning a knob or two) paired with large amount of effect (an entire night of a degree of constant physical protection)
- Refusing to spend time with someone to defend against verbal abuse.
- This boundary might be more or less difficult to enforce depending on the source of the abuse. Setting this boundary with a close friend would be quite different from setting it with a historically antagonistic coworker.
- Boundaries can often have the unwelcome effect of blocking additional non-threatening interactions, such as caring for the close friend or resolving conflict with the coworker. Weighing the balance of missed opportunity for gained protection is a common task in boundary management.
- Withholding a thing to defend against resentment over how it is used.
- Money could be one example here. Perhaps a close friend has historically impulsive spending habits. Withholding money when she asks for it could protect me from resenting my close friend. (Note: I might have some issues with being judgmental to work out. Maybe therapy? 😉
- Adjusting expectations to defend against disappointment.
- This one is a more balanced version of the “quit before you can fail” strategy. Adjusting expectations is actually the only part of quitting that helps, and you don’t even need to quit to do it!
Another thing to note on this first function of boundaries is its connection to the past. Boundaries are only ever built as a response to past behavior. Or, put another way, threats are not threats without past behavior.
Now for the point.<–(bahaha!)
Function #2: Declaring value
We cannot set a boundary around something unless we already believe it is valuable.
This tells us quite a lot about people who struggle with boundaries; namely their struggle with self-esteem.
Struggles with self-esteem often go along with the “working to earn love” trap. That is, they learned early in life that, if you are loved, you are loved for what you do and they simply haven’t done enough. They frequently cite their sources, too! “I haven’t made anything of myself”, “I haven’t accomplished enough”, “others have done so much more with so much less”, “I’ve been so difficult” or dramatic or needy or afraid. All of these statements reinforce the idea that there is a reason I’m not getting love and that reason is located in me and what I have done or failed to do.
Any boundary this person tries to build will crumble at the first huff or puff of circumstance – being blown down by the suggestion that all of this happening out here is proof that there’s nothing worth protecting in there.
The solution? It is a subtle one, but far reaching.
The reason we don’t value something is because valuing it has never been effectively modeled for us.
Look back at the last sentence four paragraphs ago. The solution is found in those words “in me”.
If valuing ourselves was modeled for us as a child, we assume we are valued because we are valuable. If valuing ourselves was not modeled for us as children, we assume we are not valued because we are not valuable. Both ideas are wrong.
- We are neither valued nor not valued because of our actual value
Think about it. Do you always value your children accurately? Your spouse? Your boss? Your friend? Of course not. In fact, your valuing or not valuing someone has nothing to do with them! It has to do with you. This brings us to recurring big idea around Raising Consciousness:
The way we are treated says nothing about us, and something about them.
As much as we might like to think so, we do not value or love our children because they deserve it. We love our children because we are loving. You are not ignored because you deserve it, but because they are ignorant.
So, as it turns out, you were not loved or unloved because of your lovability, but because of your parents lovingness. We don’t love or not love ourselves because of our lovability, but because of our lovingness. “But Adam,” you might say, “I love others so much, how could this be true?” First of all, I’m interested in what that thing you call love actually is (could be love, but also could be the working to earn love trap). Second, all humans are born with the innate ability to love. Typically, our model for loving others is challenged and molded by our interactions with the world – we get lots of feedback on that, and we update our model of loving others accordingly. But, our model for loving others is a bit younger than our model for loving ourselves. At birth, infants literally don’t know the difference between self and anything! Everything is self for them! This means that all of the interactions around them become a part of their model for interacting with themselves. Furthermore, our model for how we treat ourselves is mostly invisible. We don’t get a lot of feedback on it, and so we don’t worry about updating it. There are those among us that listen to their instincts as they provide feedback, but for most of us; if our self-concept gets us through the day it’s good enough.
This brings us to two important conclusions…plus one more.
- Our lovability is unrelated to the love we receive.
- The love we recieve is an expression of the lovingness of others and ourselves.
- We can update our model for loving ourselves using our model for loving others. There is just no reason not to. Before you challenge yourself to provide evidence for why you deserve love, remember that you don’t. No one does. Love isn’t a thing to be deserved, but to be received.
I’m Adam Cluchey, and we are Raising Consciousness..
Be sure to check back next week where my friend Alicia Ceynar, LPC will answer questions “Behind the Chair”. This is an inside look into the mind of your counselor! Then be sure to check in the following week for part 2 where Alicia and I will answer questions submitted by you!
You can submit questions for answering at adamcluchey.com or by emailing email@example.com. Don’t miss this opportunity to get inside your counselor’s head!
I’ve actually never been asked this question!! But I have been ready!
“and we are Raising Consciousness”
The “and” expresses the value of learning and growing here and elsewhere. There’s a lot of helpful information out there, and Raising Consciousness is meant to participate in that larger context of growing as a species.
“and we are Raising Consciousness”
The “we” expresses the value of collaboration. All who participate in Raising Consciousness in any fashion, and even many who do not, are carriers of the contagious condition of consciousness (..alliteration not intended!). Absolutely accidental alliteration (did it on purpose that time..).
…and rejects elitism. I do not present what I do in order to establish myself as an expert or authority. If what I publish is helpful, great! If not, leave it behind and keep growing.
“and we are Raising Consciousness”
The “are” holds a double meaning. On the one hand, it points to a common identity as members of the Raising Consciousness entity. On the other hand, it points to the common task of actually doing it!
“and we are Raising Consciousness”
And finally, the “Raising Consciousness” also holds a double meaning. On the one hand, it is the public face of Adam Cluchey, LPC. On the other, it is a mission statement. To raise consciousness means to bring into awareness the many many unconscious elements of human experience. Doing this, I believe, allows us to interact with those elements and apply our capacity to choose to our own lives. Living on autopilot rarely yields satisfaction. Empowerment often does.
So there you have it!
So, I’m Adam Cluchey, and we are Raising Consciousness 😉
I’ve received a few requests for information on where to find things, so here you go:
The adamcluchey.com Weekly Blog: https://adamcluchey.com/blog/
The Raising Consciousness Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/raising-consciousness/id1628212458
The Raising Consciousness YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC32D_friw0hmvNuYQBKHmhg
The short version:
I work with trauma. If you are haunted by your past, come and see me.
A bit more:
That said, let’s dive deeper into how.
I believe that all symptoms not primarily chemical are trauma based. To learn more about how trauma produces symptoms, check out my write up “What is EMDR?”.
When I meet with a client, we work through a process together. It usually looks like this:
- Identify the problem or problems to work on
- Get to the bottom of that problem – the source
- Break out of old patterns (this is the trauma work)
- Learn to trust myself in a new way
Each of these steps vary in speed, sometimes quite a lot, but the order tends to stay the same.
So, if you or someone you love is ready to break out of old patterns or to start trusting themselves more or both, I’m your guy.
I’m Adam Cluchey, and we are Raising Consciousness.
There’s a lot going on over here!
You can also now submit questions and comments as voice messages, and even get a chance to be included in future episodes! To submit your first voice message, click here.
Also be sure to check out The Raising Consciousness YouTube Chanel for even more content!
See you on the interwebs!
Emotions only ever occur in the present moment. The difference between choosing to be present and choosing to feel is just a matter of vocabulary. …Emotion and Fear
Currently waving copays for first responders and their families. You don’t have to do this alone. Offering EMDR via doxy.me.
Emotions only ever occur in the present moment. The difference between choosing to be present and choosing to feel is just a matter of vocabulary. What is blocking you from being present to the moment? From feeling your feelings? Fear.
The awkwardness of stepping into emotion never seems to decrease or go away. Whether you consider yourself an emotionally mature person or not, it’s always risky to choose to feel. Fear is the great barrier between us and ourselves. Fear keeps us in our needless, wantless, expressionless, identity-less prisons.
The only thing fear is good for is for facing.
No seriously – they are awesome. You should meet them, because they’re the best.